rainy tuesdays.

On a rainy Tuesday night, I walked into a friend's apartment where I was crashing. I say crashing in the most literal way possible. In early December, I jumped off a cliff into the unknown and I have been free-falling ever since. I could hear the echo of my footsteps bounce against the walls. This was the first time in a long time that I felt alone. I wanted to run. To call someone. My phone was the life jacket I needed to save me from drowning further into this loneliness. I slowly picked up my phone when I heard a near-silent whisper say,

"Embrace this moment."

I slumped on the bed and curled into myself. I let my mind wander. I explored every shaky, creaky crevice. Relived the good times and the bad. I swept away the cobwebs from parts of my mind that I hadn't seen in years.

I flipped my hands exposing the dirt under my nails. I was the hive and the pain circled me like honey bees. Relentless. I felt ever sting so vividly yet with every sting my pain would die a little more.

I took a breath and dove deeper. There is where I found my spirit. Cowering in a corner, she caressed me so gently and whispered: "I have been waiting for you". Her hands felt like sunshine after the rain, warm towels on a winter's day, the kiss of my first lover. Her touch was orgasmic. More pleasing than any man I had ever been with. She poured water over me. Cleansed me like the River Jordan. I cried. Promised her all her dreams would come true. Promised her I would never let her bow her head to anyone ever again.

The next day, I awoke without yearning for companionship, because  I could hear her say, "Good morning Queen. I love you!" I could feel everything I needed inside of me. We walked into the rain hand in hand. Heart as one and all I could think was... 

"This is what I have been missing"

time reveals all.

“ I believe I met you for a reason only time will tell”

The moment he burst into the door, a deep pain pierced my heart. It was not out of the ordinary. This happened more as I began to meet new men. Emotions that even remotely resembled love reminded me of my past lover, but I learned at a very young age that no one wants to be around a sad girl so I inhaled the pain. I tied it neatly in a box and wrapped it up with a smile.

The manner in which Tyler exploded through the door should have told me he was trouble.

I simply said, “ Hi, I’m Lo-.” Before I could even say my name, he scooped me high into the air. It felt like love. I am not sure if it was the warmth of being pressed against his body or the rush of adrenaline that sucked me in. Up to this moment, I had been living in sadness. He was the burst of electricity that I needed to get my heart going again.

Sometimes, the pain of losing my past love hurt so badly I could barely breathe. But Tyler … He helped me breathe again.

excerpt… “Finding Home” A novel by Tiffany Lit’Shae